Reckless (and I don't mean my driving)

Parenting is such a mysterious thing. I feel like our days are totally unpredictable. Not for lack of schedule-- in fact, we often have too much schedule to go around at my house. Unpredictable because I can't accurately forecast the mood of the house from one moment to the next. One minute, the kids are playing and having a great time, and the next there is a major breakdown because K changed the tv channel or threw a sword down the stairs or bit her brother's back. (Yes, Kate is often the instigator of such destruction.)

Last Wednesday, I felt like we'd had a pretty good day, yet I also felt like I'd gone through the wringer at least twice by the time I plopped into bed. Like a good Christian role model, I save my quiet time for the very end of the day, when I'm good and attentive (read: nearly asleep, but trying hard.) I pray that God will make something stand out of the chapter I'm reading, but I admit I don't always anticipate lightening. It struck, however, when I read these words:

"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18

So often, I instigate drama, or at least fan the flames, by using words that are not necessarily hurtful, but aren't very well thought out. In the heat of battle, I often say something that, while logical, isn't very helpful or healing. Later, I regret these words. Not because they were violent or profane, but because they were exactly as that verse put it: reckless. Not wisely chosen. Not helpful. Just convenient.

Last night, for example, I left Kate playing in the bathtub long enough to get Sam started on a project. I could hear her playing, and was making progress with Sam's kindergarten info sheet (did you know they gave out homework before a kid has even attended class???!!!). But when I went to help her wash, there was water all over the floor, soap everywhere. Lots of soap. "Kate," I snapped, "What were you thinking?! The water has to stay in the bathtub! This is a TOTAL mess! I'm so disappointed in you!"

Now, that isn't a tryable offense, but it wasn't at all what I wanted to say, if I would script the moment in advance. I calmed down a minute later and apologized and told Kate that messes are easily cleaned up and that we need to try to keep the water in the tub next time. Those words were the right ones. The first set: reckless. I spent lots of time and energy trying to fix the careless words I spoke initially, and dealt with the guilt of those words for the rest of the night.

Kate's resiliant, and was fine after a few minutes of some rather soggy snuggling. But my prayer is that next time, I'll forego the reckless words for the healing ones.

So hard to trust…

Yesterday, I posted on FB a status that read "I have no reason not to trust You," which resulted in many "Huh?" "What does that mean?" types of responses. It was one of those times when I posted for me, not for anyone else, but I feel that I should be able to explain. My response is highly personal, and very spiritual. If you want to know, read on. If not, be satisfied with this short answer: It's a personal reminder to me that though God's never given me a reason to doubt Him, His plans, his ways, that yet I continue to do so. But I have no reason NOT to trust Him…

God has been so faithful to me throughout my life. I've had periods of difficulty, though not anything newsworthy or extraordinary. I've had periods where I really didn't care about my relationship with God (that started in earnest at the age of 13), nor about his plans or his ways for my life ("For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans for a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11). But I can say that every time I tried to walk away from God, He remained completely faithful to me, and to his plans for me. He doesn't punish my doubt by withholding blessings from me. In fact, some of my biggest blessings have been out of times where I was unfaithful.

One of my best examples is my husband. I met Stuart at a time when I was fed up with God and what he wanted for my life. I was ready to do things differently, to be my own person. I stopped attending church. My relationships with many of my Christian friends had been severed. My life was not what I wanted, and I felt like I had trusted God and obeyed as much as a person possibly could, yet my life was a disaster. So I tried to walk away.

During that time, I met Stuart. I could have gotten myself into a heap of trouble during that time in my life, but Stuart was steady, honest and good. He saw the best in me, even when I didn't see it in myself. He believed in me when I had not proven myself or been anything spectacular, and he had no reason to. God brought me to the perfect plan for my life—Stuart—without my intervention, help or even cooperation. And Stuart was just a human, imperfect picture of what God's love for me is really like: undeserved, unearned, extravagant.

Yet, I still struggle with dissatisfaction and unbelief. I seemingly fall from one worry into another. God answers a need in my life, shows himself faithful again, and I wake up the next day with a new concern to have replaced the old. It's my family, then my job, then my future—an endless cycle of concerns, all of which point to my being less than willing to be faithful and believe the One who has always proven faithful to me. He knows me in a way that I don't even know myself, and yet I am constantly asking for proof and reassurance.

After I posted that status, another crisis, another proof of His plan. A friend's child was rushed to the ER last night with what looked like meningitis. More than one of our circle of friends showed up to lend support and prayer. On my way to the hospital, a song came on that reminded me that we praise a God who "gives and takes away." Am I willing to believe when I don't like the results? What kind of friend and servant am I? And God proved faithful again. He answered our prayers and is giving L. the best treatment possible. His answer may not be the one I want, but He proves time and again to be working actively among us. My status is a witness to my lack of faith, and a desire to keep fighting to be more faithful, to remember Who it is that I serve, and to learn a lesson that I have struggled with every day of my life.

Piano: Why was that a good idea again?

Sam has started taking piano lessons. He's really pretty good. He always wants me to help him, which surprises me. I hated it when my mom tried to help me with my piano lessons. Sam's his own man, though, and he prefers me to sit with him while he practices.

This has brought about its own set of challenges. First, our schedule is crazy and so there is no consistent time to practice. Second, I really didn't think his 20 minutes at the piano would be MY 20 minutes at the piano. Finally, though Sam wants my help, he really hates it too.

So last night, we waited until too late to practice. It was right before bed, which I now know is not a good idea. He has this need to do everything perfectly. When he misses one note, it sends him completely over the edge. He gets all pouty, and at one point, he started to cry.

I was being the model parent, encouraging him to keep trying, telling him that it takes work, etc. But it resulted in trauma and melt down, and finally bedtime. Let's just say it wasn't my finest parenting moment. I was so frustrated that my model parenting was met with such poor results, which caused me to melt down and contribute to the drama.

So, as is often the case, I went to bed frustrated and discouraged with my role as parent. I prayed and read the Bible (I'm in Proverbs, which is great for learning about gaining and imparting wisdom), but was still feeling down. Just before I went to sleep, I remembered what I told Sam during his practice. He was complaining about how piano is so hard, and he just couldn't get it right. I said:

"You know, Sam, the best things in life are often hard to do. The fun things. That's why we practice, so that we can get better and do fun things, like read or play basketball or piano."

Later I said, "You don't need to be perfect. We practice so that we can keep getting better. Everyone makes mistakes!"

I dish out pretty good advice sometimes. If only I'd take it myself. Parenting is no different, really. It's great. It's one of the most important roles I'll ever play in life. But instead of reminding myself that I just need to keep getting better every day, I demand perfection. Of course, perfection being impossible, I'm constantly discouraged.

So, I'm trying a new tactic: giving myself permission to make mistakes. But when I make them, I need to learn from them and keep going, rather than banish myself to time-out until the end of time.

My fickle friend

I am a lover of technology. In fact, marketers label my household "early adopters." We are often one of the first to have new gadgets. Sometimes it pays off, like the tivo. Sometimes, we pay way more than everyone else because we had it two years earlier and in a lesser model-- like our circa 2000 2 megapixel digital camera.

My newest challenge is the new car and it's oh-so-handy dvd system. It's not just your average pull-down dvd player. No, it's embedded in the headrests, so that both kids can watch their own movie on individual screens, or switch and watch the same movie. I know, it's amazing. They even have wireless headphones, so Mommy doesn't have to listen to Happy Feet ever again. I hope. It's a mommy dream world.

However, I have always felt very strongly that in-car dvd players are not for everyday use. They are for long trips, extended waiting, that type of thing. Not for 5 minute trips to Target. And based upon the current amount of time it takes to get each of them started and set to the correct audio, etc, the time-to-movie could be greater than the trip itself.

The temptation is the lovely silence that occurs when the kids are plugged in. They actually look forward to the trip to the babysitter because of the enticing images of Hermie or Tinkerbell on the screen. Mommy can listen to whatever I want to, and no one complains. No Radio Disney. No Mamma Mia.

But I look backwards, and see my two-year-old in a technology-induced coma, with her little headphones balanced precariously on her little head and feel like I've signed a pact with the devil himself. With the DVDs on, I lose my kids to their cartoon wonderland. I miss out on the sometimes difficult, sometimes informative recap of their day. I miss out on our prayer time on our way to Jo's. I miss out on the colors of the sunset and the constant barrage of questions about where we're going next and who's going to be there. (I don't miss that part as much). When are they going to learn to bicker over the seats or the radio? When are they going to learn to play I-spy?

Giving into this technology makes me miss out on my kids and their growing up. And, for now, I'm not willing to miss that. So, I'm prepared to be the bad guy who takes the DVDs out of the car and puts the headphones away. I'm sure I'll miss my uninterrupted sports talk, but I'll be all the better for it.

The Discipline Diet

It’s the first of the year, and everyone I meet is on a “healthy eating” kick. In case you missed it, healthy eating is the new code word for dieting. No one’s dieting; they are adopting a more healthy lifestyle.

No matter what you call it, healthy eating is a lot like parenting. We’re all looking for the latest, greatest way to discipline our children, love our children, give them security and intelligence and self-esteem. So, a new book or idea comes out about how to best parent, and we’re all on it like ants on a picnic.

The problem is, whether it’s a new diet or a new discipline, I think the average person (assuming I’m that average person) has about a good week or so of new routine in them before life gets busy and you’re back at zero again.

Here’s my theory: We all have a baseline parenting style. Some of us are push-overs, or strict, or touchy-feely, or educational. Most of us are a combination of a lot of things—how we were raised, what we see on TV or on the playground, what the parent educator told us with our first child. Your day-in, day-out approach to raising your kids: that’s baseline.

A new method or strategy for parenting seems really promising, so the good parents that we are run home and put it into practice (read: try it out to see if it works). However, most of us are only willing to go at it so long without obvious results.

In that respect, dieting is much easier. At the end of the week, I’ve either lost a pound, or I’ve gained it. If I have gained, I can typically enumerate the super bowl snacks, lunch-time cookie and cake tasting that attributed to the problem. If I want to get back to losing, it’s up to me to go back to the method that produces the results I want.

With parenting, however, sometimes the results are not as obvious. Is my child’s good behavior because of my extra-good parenting technique, or is she just having a better week? Worse yet, is my son’s temper tantrum due to a lack of positive reinforcement or because he’s had too little sleep or because he’s just in a mood? Moreover, most of the parenting results I’m really after—success in school, moving out at age 21—don’t show up until much later.

The only hope I have in this is to keep trying—to replace old habits with new ones. In Galatians, Paul says this: “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Gal. 6:9)

How does that look? I've heard it takes 20 days to build a habit, and only 3 days to break a habit. So for 20 days, I need to consciously try to apply what I've learned. I can ask God for help. I can ask my friends for support. Whatever it takes. At the end of 20 days, evaluate. Instead of looking at my kids, I need to look more at myself-- do I like myself better as a parent when I talk like this or encourage this behavior or incorporate this tradition? If so, it's working, and I have finally worked my way through to a new baseline. Whew. Now I'm tired.

Mommy’s Car or Toys R Us Boutique?

I am no neat freak, just ask my mother. However, a new trend has started among my children that is turning my car from the grocery getter to a traveling toy chest.

I’m not sure how this kind of thing starts. I think it’s a compromise made in an effort to take less than 10 minutes from door to driving. “Can I take a Wii game?” “No.” “Can I take this very small lego man that I will cry after losing?” “No.” “MOM, can I please take Moosee?” “Sure, whatever it takes to get out of this door and into the car.”

So, now my car has become the resting place of many past-favorite toys. Past, because once they are lost in the pit of the car, they are out of sight and out of mind. There seems to be a necessity among my children to bring a bit of home with them into the car. Perhaps it’s a transitional item that helps them as they step into the great big world. Perhaps it’s a desire to have something that brother or sister doesn’t. Perhaps it’s a new way to stall the ever-impending reverse down the driveway.

Whatever it is, it’s a mess. So at least once a week, I demand that each child, particularly Sam, take his backpack, McDonald’s puppy, dirty socks, crayon drawing, and empty cup out of the car and into the house. “But Mommmmm,” I hear in the distance, “I can’t carry all of these things by myself.”

“Well, you carried it all out here, so figure it out. Maybe it will take more than one trip.”

Despite the messy process of cleaning up the mess, they are no less motivated to eliminate the carriage of extra items into the car. I think the only possible remedy is removal of all toys from their possession or the removal of their hands. Neither seems acceptable, so I’ll just start budgeting that additional 15 minutes on Thursday nights to clean it out. Again.

Now, I’m not sure who I can blame for the mess outside of the car….

Me and My Big Mouth

I was feeling pretty sure of myself last week, however, when we had a special speaker talk to us about discipline. The speaker had read a book called Don’t Make Me Count to Three, and was sharing her experiences trying it out. We all laughed and lamented the joys of being the lead enforcer around the house, but all in all I was feeling pretty good about myself. My kids, though strong-willed (Kate) and sometimes a little too smart for their own good, are generally such good kids. So in control. I even told an example about how I just talked to Sam about how we handled an argument a few months ago, and he took it all in and we decided to make some changes. Problem solved.

I went home that night and thought about how to incorporate some of the ideas she had, like working on the root issue instead of reacting only to the specific event. For example, instead of only teaching kids to take turns with the Wii remote that just got thrown across the room, you use scripture to talk about how people are more important than the things that we have and how God wants us to love each other. Good stuff.

As the aura from the evening’s good discussion was just beginning to fade, my son lit into a huge tantrum about bedtime. Huge. Not only did he cry and throw a fit and say he didn’t want to go, he flat out REFUSED to go to bed. After a few minutes, my patience went out the window and I banished myself to my room mid-sentence to cool down before my yelling awoke Kate. I could tell you the blow-by-blow, but let’s just say it wasn’t exactly the textbook example that was given at our session.

I will give myself credit for ending fights well, and we always apologize and hug and talk about how to do better next time. So I went to bed feeling silly about my professed successful discipline methods, but no less secure in my parenting.

Queue the rest of the week: Sam has gone into a complete testing period where he wants to see just exactly where the boundaries are and see how far back he can move them. He has tried every technique in his arsenal, and I’ve used all of mine. The result? Frustration, exhaustion, and embarrassment. Who was I to think that I was some sort of parenting success story? I was blessed with good kids. I am blessed with a God who cares about them and cares about me, and who I believe can undo any of the damage I happen to do to them. Am I the success, or is God?

After a week of enforced bedtime, time spent in the “safe spot” at school, and a little help from Dad, Sam is starting to morph back into the well-behaved child I know. I am glad to know that he’s unleashing some of his craziness on his teacher as well, and it’s not solely for my benefit. (I told Stuart that Sam’s “not listening” trait was inherited from HIS side of the family.) I think I’ll live to fight another day.

One of the “experienced” mothers in the group asked last Wednesday, “Isn’t this all kind of exhausting?” Oh yeah.