Yesterday, I posted on FB a status that read "I have no reason not to trust You," which resulted in many "Huh?" "What does that mean?" types of responses. It was one of those times when I posted for me, not for anyone else, but I feel that I should be able to explain. My response is highly personal, and very spiritual. If you want to know, read on. If not, be satisfied with this short answer: It's a personal reminder to me that though God's never given me a reason to doubt Him, His plans, his ways, that yet I continue to do so. But I have no reason NOT to trust Him…
God has been so faithful to me throughout my life. I've had periods of difficulty, though not anything newsworthy or extraordinary. I've had periods where I really didn't care about my relationship with God (that started in earnest at the age of 13), nor about his plans or his ways for my life ("For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans for a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11). But I can say that every time I tried to walk away from God, He remained completely faithful to me, and to his plans for me. He doesn't punish my doubt by withholding blessings from me. In fact, some of my biggest blessings have been out of times where I was unfaithful.
One of my best examples is my husband. I met Stuart at a time when I was fed up with God and what he wanted for my life. I was ready to do things differently, to be my own person. I stopped attending church. My relationships with many of my Christian friends had been severed. My life was not what I wanted, and I felt like I had trusted God and obeyed as much as a person possibly could, yet my life was a disaster. So I tried to walk away.
During that time, I met Stuart. I could have gotten myself into a heap of trouble during that time in my life, but Stuart was steady, honest and good. He saw the best in me, even when I didn't see it in myself. He believed in me when I had not proven myself or been anything spectacular, and he had no reason to. God brought me to the perfect plan for my life—Stuart—without my intervention, help or even cooperation. And Stuart was just a human, imperfect picture of what God's love for me is really like: undeserved, unearned, extravagant.
Yet, I still struggle with dissatisfaction and unbelief. I seemingly fall from one worry into another. God answers a need in my life, shows himself faithful again, and I wake up the next day with a new concern to have replaced the old. It's my family, then my job, then my future—an endless cycle of concerns, all of which point to my being less than willing to be faithful and believe the One who has always proven faithful to me. He knows me in a way that I don't even know myself, and yet I am constantly asking for proof and reassurance.
After I posted that status, another crisis, another proof of His plan. A friend's child was rushed to the ER last night with what looked like meningitis. More than one of our circle of friends showed up to lend support and prayer. On my way to the hospital, a song came on that reminded me that we praise a God who "gives and takes away." Am I willing to believe when I don't like the results? What kind of friend and servant am I? And God proved faithful again. He answered our prayers and is giving L. the best treatment possible. His answer may not be the one I want, but He proves time and again to be working actively among us. My status is a witness to my lack of faith, and a desire to keep fighting to be more faithful, to remember Who it is that I serve, and to learn a lesson that I have struggled with every day of my life.
